I have this phobia of burdening others.

No really. I like to think of myself independent, but the joke is on me. I have not a stich in my name, nor am I capable of supporting myself economically. How can I keep a stable job if I can hardly get though school?

This past year has been the most difficult year...of my life, possibly. Not because school was hard (I neglected and hid from that). Not because I suffered an illness or injury that put me through hell (I didn't do enough to cause injury or catch an illness). And certainly not because I suffered some great tragedy (unless you count getting into a car accident). No, this past year I've suffered internally. Mentally. Emotionally. I doubted myself and instead of turning outward, reaching for help, I imploded.

Since I'm dependent on others, despite how much I hate it, I ended up hurting others.

Reality scares me, so I hide from it. Ironically, when I don't hide from reality--when I take the bull by the horns--I grasp it well. But it's work and lets be honest, I hate hard work. Hard work leads to stress, and stress leads to tears, and tears lead to doubts, doubts lead to thoughts I rather avoid.

I started this blog as part of a new beginning. A new beginning for my writing and for me.

Everything is out in the open now. Instead of feeling guilt for burdening--no, not burdening, asking for help from others, I'm trying to feel relief. That I'm not alone. That someone can put an arm around me or rub my back as I fail or succeed.

So what does this have to do with writing? Writing has always been my outlet. It's always been the one hobby, no matter how depressed I've become, that I continue to do (though at times I look at writing more as a "thing" rather than a "need"). But writing is a private thing (see!?). Blogs are not. Having a writing blog is putting my private thoughts and insecurities out there. Yes, I said private. Yes, I'm aware that no one actually reads this. But here's the truth: it's an illusion. I'm deceiving my feelings, tricking them into thinking they're being released.

It works. It does. I still need to talk to people outside the Internet of course, but written/typed words are my forte and love. It make sense to cope with my weakness with my strengths.

Anyway, on that note. I wrote like 56 words in the past two days. Obviously writing during the school week is not working out, but it's always there in my mind. My brain is always coming up with ideas and working out characters. I'm always taking notes and thinking about updating this blog. Because I said I would. SO I am.